I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
