Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
