I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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