I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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