the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
