I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
