I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
