Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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