My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
