I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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