Swine flu. Run for my life!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
