I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You're a waste of cheezeits
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
