my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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