so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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