I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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