peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
