Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
