the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
