I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
50% drunk capacity currently
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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