please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
