My sheets look like a crime scene.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i will never coherently bang her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
