she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
