my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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