I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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