My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
