my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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