I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
last night I used snow as a chaser
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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