Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
