I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
