P.S. I can't hear my feet
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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