I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
