My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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