it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
