you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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