On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
