Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
