Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
