Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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