I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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