I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
