My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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