My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize