I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
