fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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