yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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