she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
