It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I see more hoeing in ur future
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