just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
