Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
