I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize