Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
