It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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