Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
