My room smells like vodka and shame
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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