my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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