Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
where are my eyebrows?
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