he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize