hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
